In preparation of a wedding.

In preparation of a wedding there are certain things a girl with any amount of vanity (that's any amount, even if its pin-head-size. Some girls loudly ascertain that they are definitely not vain. Well. That's just a load of cow-pat if you ask me. Every girl has a certain level of vanity. Its ingrained. Society grains it into small girls from the age of 1 day, when they gaze at the baby and say, ah, isn't she just gorgeous? And from that day on the baby feels pressure to be gorgeous and will permanently mirror check, wrinkle-check, smelly-nappy-check, cute-smile-check, and first-curl-check. etc.) must do.
First.
Kill a chicken (best by hand). At mid-day the day prior to the wedding make a jelly from the jiblets. Apply chicken jelly liberally to entire body and soak in a bath of chilly oil for one hour whilst reading Grazia.
After one hour skin should appear smooth, silky, young, and your persona will take on the pezazz from the chilly, creating a hot-chick on the dance floor. Literally. This is the truth. I have just come from my chilly bath.
What the?

Here's the REAL wedding prep-hit-list:
1.) Go to Boots. Find the sharpest razor in the Mens Toiletry section. Find most wrinkle-smoothing skin toning moisturiser. Bring home. Soak in bath (read approx 1 chapter of good book). Apply mans razor gently but firmly (huh?) to forestry areas (applications for deforestation need to be received by council at least 1month prior to destruction date). Pat skin dry with old grey towel. Liberally apply cream to deforested areas. Run for loo roll to catch drips of blood where deforestation has led to ruptures.
2.) Cut nails of toes (new shoes hurt with long nails) and fingers. Find emery board. File nails. Rummage for 1/2 hour in over-stuffed bathroom cabinet for ancient used-once-a-year-for-weddings-nail-polish. Apply to finger nails. Avoid finger tips knuckles palms of hands wrists clothing floor or white walls. (House and body can resemble scene of murder otherwise.)
3.) Remind Husband once a day for a week or two that he needs to check his suit is clean. Get rebuffed once a day for being repetitive nag.
4.) Get very excited.
5.) Imagine self on dance floor very drunk singing to DANCING QUEEN with old friends.
6.) Imagine self not drinking so much that one is sick in bed at 3am.
7.) Imagine self next morning eating half a loaf of bread and pretending to be sober and looking forward to going to bed that night.
8.) Finally. Go to bed the night before the wedding trying not to worry about forgetting part of extremely glamorous and over-planned outfit.
9.) Final finally. Remind self that the wedding is not about me but about the beautiful blushing bride throwing herself into the arms of her best beloved.
10.) Really. Last finally. Aren't weddings just the best?
Who's next...?